Forty Feels Like Me

Forty.

Today, I turn 40.

And I’m genuinely excited about it.

I don’t feel old.

I don’t feel behind.

I don’t feel like something is ending.

I feel like I’m finally becoming who I’m meant to be.

The last year of my thirties stretched me in ways I didn’t expect. We moved. We left our acreage, the place that held so many memories, so much comfort, so much of our identity.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

I questioned it.

I grieved it  before we had packed a single box.

I wrestled with that decision in ways no one saw.

But it has turned out to be the most deeply fulfilling decision for every member of our family.

I’ve watched my kids step into new opportunities and make incredible friends. I’ve seen them take on new challenges. I’ve watched them grow in confidence in ways I don’t think would have happened if we had stayed.

And as much as I’ll always love what that acreage gave us, I know this now: I had outgrown it.

I wasn’t going to become who I wanted to be by staying where I felt comfortable.

This past year, I’ve started listening to myself more. I make decisions based on what feels aligned instead of what feels safe. I’m more intentional about my mornings, my time with my husband, taking care of myself, who I spend my time with and where I put my energy.

And for the first time in a long time, I can say this without hesitation:

I love who I am.

Not in a loud way. In a way that came from growth. In a way that feels like coming home to myself.

I love that I gave my kids a new adventure.

I love that I get to grow alongside them.

I love the friendships I’ve built in this new season.

I love the quiet confidence I feel when I wake up in the morning.

I love that I trust myself more than I used to.

I love that I make decisions from alignment instead of fear.

I love the routines I've created that anchor me.

I love the strength I’ve built, mentally and physically.

This year taught me that I am capable of making hard decisions (and living with them). That I can choose growth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

And that moving forward with courage feels a lot better than staying still out of fear.

Forty doesn’t feel heavy.

It feels intentional.

And I’m walking into this decade knowing that the best decisions of my life have come from listening closely to what I truly want.

If this is what forty feels like, I’m ready.